Blog, I can't sleep. I was riddled with a hangover-induced migraine last night that seeped over into this morning and as a result I ended up sleeping until noon. It's thrown my schedule way off and now all I'm left with is my thoughts and you.
It doesn't help that the thoughts I'm having are not nearly the kind that can lull one to sleep. Quite the contrary. My mind is full of frustration and a ridiculous longing for what I simply cannot have. It is an endless cycle that you'd think would make me exhausted enough to get some shut-eye, but in the end I'm wide awake with nothing to do but contemplate as to whether or not I should write about it all publicly.
I'm sure you can guess where this is headed Blog. Part of me just wants to spill it all to you for the sake of releasing it from the confines of my conscience. At the same time I feel like I'm beating a dead horse at this point. We've gone through this before and nothing has changed. I'm sad, confused, and unsettled with the way my last "relationship" (I put quotes around the word because it was a strange enough experience for them to be deserved) ended. Perhaps because it ended in no way I have ever experienced a relationship ending. Hell, the whole thing was something I had never experienced before. In retrospect it all seems as if it was in a good way, but it's hard to tell for sure. I could just be building this magnificent guy up in my head from the increasingly vague memory I have of what it was like to have him in my life.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm surprised that I'm still hung up on that guy I was dating a few months back. I even expected that I'd be out of the post-relationship dumps by the time my birthday rolled around. Well, that came and went and I'm still here pondering what the hell happened.
I guess it doesn't help that I hang out with his friends from time to time.
Anyway, in an attempt to both divert my attention and gauge where I am in the "being over it enough to consider dating" process, I spewed this Craigslist ad all over the women seeking men page this evening. It pretty much speaks for itself. I'm not proud of it, but I have to say the 32 (and counting) messages I've received in response have been entertaining enough. Entertaining and further proof that online dating really does make me want to vomit since the simple thought of responding to any one of these messages makes me nauseous. I guess that puts me at a zero in the "being over it enough to consider dating" area. It's actually a comforting thing to know. I'm glad I'm being honest with myself, and Craigslist for that matter.
And now, highlights for what entered unto my old hotmail inbox this evening reminiscent of this throwback entry that interestingly enough is embedded with a subtle tone of my former insecurities and proof that I had an asshole for a boyfriend.
There's the get-to-the-point guys:
I read your CL ad and thought i'd respond to your shit. i'm 26, a guy, in s. mpls. email me...."
"Male.23 pic plz."
"Come snuggle thats all no joke" (WHAAA?!)
"Good evening. How are you? I enjoyed your CL post. I really don't know what I am looking for, but guess I am looking for some companionship, someone to chat with, and if there is a connection, dinner, movie etc.
Have a great Tuesday! Enjoy the snow!"
"Just about anybody could respond.
And coffee is a good start ;)
How's your night going?"
The "I may have just copied and pasted my online dating profile into this email" guys:
"I love soccer, surfing, salsa dancing and spending time with my family. Always like to try new things, get into new adventures. Having goals in life are very important and I work hard to achieve them! Traveling is a big passion, places I have been so far: most of US, Bahamas, most of Europe... Looking forward to seeing South America and Far East Asia."
"35 6'3" brown hair blue eyes. I enjoy all kinds of music listen to alot of country and rock. I enjoy hunting fishing and everything the outdoors has to offer. I like to go out to eat have a few drinks or go to movie or just stay home and watch a movie or listen to music cuddled on the couch."
The "I totally know how you feel" crew:
"I would response to that I feel what your saying online dating come on really like it works If it need work I would be amazed plz key me know what you would do if you meant a cool guy down to earth soft spoken man such as myself I would love to keep this conversion going if u will"
"Hi your posting is pretty cool. I agree with the whole thing that you're talking about. My problem has been no one's ever given me a chance to shine on a date. You put your biography out there and you never hear anything back. I don't care if you're not interested. That has been my experience with online dating." (Womp, womp)
"Hi there! just thought I would say hello. You seem like a smart person with a nice sense of humor. That is key to me. I never roam craigslist ads, but for some reason I felt that I should tonight. Maybe it's for good reason. I met you." (Oh dear. This is what you consider meeting someone?)
"Do you one better. My sexy bi wife of 10 years left me last year for her online gf. Talk about vomit"
And last but certainly not least, the haters:
"The problem with idiots like you is that you don't realize how puke inducing YOU are."
"I'm not even gonna respond to your shot!" (But you did, and you spelled "shit" wrong)
"You post because for one you are a female
Second, you are insecure and afraid ti approach men on your own by choice
Third, you need attention
Vomit away. Thanks.
Women in thus city act confident but aren't at all.
Men can see thus lack of it written in between the lines while women don't think we can."
His harsh words ring true for me. And yes Blog, it is incredibly tempting to put up a sarcastic defense to him and his odd spelling of the word "this", but why should I when he is right? While I don't think I need to be reminded that I am female and I do believe I exhibit a certain air of confidence, I certainly am not ready to approach men. Does this mean I'll never be ready? No. But that last guy and all the others who responded did me a huge favor in reinforcing my stance on where I am with seeing what's out there. As for needing attention, I think we all need it to a certain degree. It just depends on where that attention is coming from. Right now, an email chain is not going to get me what I want. And I'm totally ok with that.