Sunday, April 28, 2013

Anyone Want To Be My Lesbian Friend?

Blog, I've been watching a lot of The L Word on this tour. How is it that TV series make you want to live within them? I got obsessed with Frasier a while ago because I'm really into snobby intellectual humor (and David Hyde Pierce is the best thing to grace a TV screen ever in this world ever) and all I wanted to do with my life during that time was sit and drink sherry and get ready to go to the opera. These are things that I don't really take interest in, Blog, but Frasier made me want to go there.

Back before Downton Abbey broke my heart into ten million pieces, all I wanted to do was live in the 1920s and wear either dresses with elaborate beading or an apron (it didn't matter) and speak with a cool English accent while trying to figure out what the fuck a telephone was. But when we're realistic about living in England in the 1910's and beyond, it means we're wearing uncomfortable wool stockings and using outhouses. Plus there's no internet to which I can turn on a lonely Saturday night after finishing three glasses of wine. Then again, there'd be no TV series for me to bitch and moan about on said internet because it would be 1920 and all there would be to do is to drink more wine and probably darn a sock or something.

So last week when I found that The L Word is now on Netflix, I couldn't help myself. I was introduced to the series a few years ago when I was visiting Ariel in the Pacific Northwest. We holed up in her quaint studio cabin in the woods and watched the first season on DVD. But that's all she had. I promptly forgot about the oddly high population of extremely attractive lesbians LA seems to have and went on with my life. That is until last week when I noticed that all six seasons are available on Netflix. Things have gotten out of control since then.

I'm not a lesbian, Blog. I like men. Lots. I've known this for quite some time. And while The L Word has not challenged me on my sexuality, it has caused me to want a super sweet group of lesbian friends with whom I can catch up on all the latest lesbian gossip. I want to meet up with the ladies at our usual coffee shop haunt and figure out who has been sleeping with who. I want to become annoyed with how they interact with each other and say "oh, you're being such a lesbian". I want to go to the lesbian clubs with them and survey all the hookups that take place so I can be even more in on the lesbian gossip that happens at the coffee shop the next day. I WANT TO MEET THEIR CATS.

TV series make you want to do things you never thought you'd want to do. Right now I'm really wanting to hang out with gay women and live in LA. Thanks Showtime.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Thousands of Miles Later...

Blog, it's been way too long. Over a month in fact. Sometimes when I become busy, I get overwhelmed with the thought of documenting every detail of what I've been up to and then I avoid you. And then I realize that I've continued to be busy while avoiding you and this makes me avoid you even more because the amount of things to document has reached a staggering amount and the thought of it all is too much to bear.

But in the end, it's you and me Blog, documenting life. So here's what the last month has held for me:

1. North Dakota

At the end of March I boarded the Empire Builder and one Benedryl and a thermos of wine later, I was groggily coming to at the outskirts of the one Magic City (or what is more commonly known as Minot). I was making the trip just in time to wish my awesome sister in law farewell as she deployed to Guam the day before Easter. Because of this, we used the limited time we had before her departure to teach my niece about who the Easter Bunny is and then immediately demonstrate what the Easter Bunny does. I think she was excited only because every adult in the household was running around like a crazy, pointing out brightly colored pieces of plastic and gorging themselves on jelly beans. I learned we do this to ourselves. Also, Easter candy is the best candy hands down.

She's only smiling because we told her that egg was the secret to happiness once she recovered it from an imaginary rabbit.
I'd go into the saga of removing my car from the snow bank that consumed it in the month of March, but it's a long story, so I'll just say that a man named Tracey and a couple of violent tows from his pick up brought my 1997 luxury sedan to freedom in just minutes. Yay for small towns and stuff.

2. Chicago

I returned to Minneapolis and spent a few days rehearsing for the NTC tour I'm currently on (skip to #4 for details). After a few glorious nights in my very own bed, the band I'm in packed its lead singerbassist, and myself into one of those boxy Scions (complete with a stand up bass we've named Bud) and drove to Chicago to play a couple gigs over the weekend. I felt a little famous when Courtney coordinated her contacts in such a way where we got an amazing free dinner at a hip Italian place downtown only to rush away to play our glamorous songs for the tens of fans that were waiting for us at the bluegrass bar where we were booked. On Sunday night we partook in a comedy show put on by the hilarious and wonderful Puterbaugh Sisterz that turned out to be just plain weird with drunk lesbians and catty comics. I ate some homemade bars that Courtney's friend brought out though, so everything ended up a-ok.

What is going oooooooon with this comedy shooooooow? Ahhhh!

3. Mexico

We returned from Chicago with just enough time for me to do my taxes, shower, and pack for Mexico. Court and I were playing at the Akumal Comedy Festival in Akumal, Mexico the week following our adventure in Chicago. I had absolutely no idea what to expect from this, and frankly when I got home that evening, I didn't even feel like catching a red eye flight to Cancun. But of course, I went and ended up having one of the most amazing times of my life. I've been to Mexico before, but this was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It was the perfect blend of business and vacation. We were busy but relaxed and we met some of the most wonderful people ever in the world. We played shows with tropical breezes in our hair and palm trees above us. We drank margaritas and swam in a turquoise sea. We made new friends and lived in luxury. I want to go back and have been going through Mexico withdrawal ever since I returned a week and a half ago.

All I had was the sea and a sunburn, Blog. Thanks to Courtney for capturing the temporary bliss.

But alas, I live in a frozen tundra... when I'm there. When I'm not, I'm on the east coast apparently. Which brings me to...

4. Philadelphia

Ok, so technically it's Bellmawr, New Jersey, WHICH I'M TOTALLY AWARE OF IT NOT BEING THE SAME THING AS PHILADELPHIA. But, I do go to Philadelphia every day to perform questionable short-form improv sketch comedy for high schoolers even though the show we've got is written for middle schoolers, but really who's paying attention to our age demographic? Not me. I've been laying low since I've been here. Mostly because things cost money, but also because I'm tired. It's time to be home and I'm still not there. I'm not sure if I was looking for a life of travel when I quit Capella, but now that I've spent the last month living it, I've found that while it's fun and exciting and different, it's also like anything else and can get old. Where is my bed? It is not here in this seedy Super 8 with an Indian man who stands in your way and interrogates you about what dairy products you're about to put in your coffee at the continental breakfast. My bed is in a cold room in an apartment that all my friends think is haunted that is adjacent to a building occupied with Mexicans. That's home, Blog.

But until home happens, I'll continue to wear this wig and contemplate if cutting off my hair and dying it grey is a good idea.