Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Random Birthday Cake

It's not every day you receive a random birthday cake, that's why I'm posting this email I wrote to my co-workers today:

Hey Everyone,

I've got some random birthday cake at my desk. It's random because it's not my birthday (despite part of my name being on the cake). It was intended to be part of a joint birthday celebration my grandma was going to throw for myself and my twin cousins who turn 7 tomorrow. But since it's winter, the weather sucks and no one was able to make it. This left my grandma with a giant birthday cake and no one to eat it. Luckily last night, I was able to meet up with her before she took off for Florida and I received a large portion of this cake.

Yes, I feel bad for taking a birthday cake away from my 7 year old cousins, especially when they have to share a birthday to begin with, but I had no choice. The cake must be eaten. This is why I invite all of you to stop by my desk and partake and eating my little cousins' birthday cake. It is my birthday cake as well, but as I said, it's not my birthday (until February). I have plates, forks and a spatula. All you have to do it stop by and fanagle a piece for yourself.



Monday, January 25, 2010

It's True. My Grandpa is On YouTube.

It'll be the best two minutes and 13 seconds of your life. And I'm proud to say I'm related to everyone in this masterpiece.

Thoughts on the Fringe Festival

Quick. Thoughts that I need to write... quickly.

It's really frustrating that I think of all my best thoughts in the shower. This sucks because the shower is the most inopportune place to think of things that you want to write down. Water doesn't lend itself to be helpful in writing situations. Paper gets soggy and a computer would probably cause death. So I did my best to remember until I got a computer on my hands. Here's what I came up with while I was waiting for the conditioner to condition my hair:

1. Fringe. I want to do it. I'm going to go into this blindly. I'm going to take a risk and do it myself. I have many friends who would love to support me and work with me on a Fringe show. I am more than happy to accept help, support, collaboration, what have you. But just in case I end up having to wing this on my own...

2. Stories. It's my only fall back. I suck at writing dialogue for the screen. I hate reading plays, which doesn't help with my abilities to write for the stage. I'm an inexperienced, naive writer, so the only thing I can really portray through the power of language is shit that's happened to me. A lot of people do this, especially for the Fringe. If I happen to fall into the norm, fine. At least I'm trying to get some of my stuff out there. That being said...

3. Football and my one legged cousin. Those are two solid stories about myself that I feel confident I can write and make a decent point with at the end. I started stuff on both of these topics. I just need to finish that stuff and then become confident enough to revise it into a majestic work that might possibly make it to the stage if I happen to be unable to recruit friends to write a decent show with me. These two subjects have nothing to do with one another, but I might have to come up with a third item as equally unrelated so at least I have the power of three behind me.

Ok. I think that's it. I just wanted to get this down somewhere. And since no one reads this, I'll put it out here. And just in case someone does, they can tell me what they think and even if they want to be one of my friends to work on my Fringe project with me. Options people. It's all about options. The end.

I hate ending shit with "the end" since that seems to be a habit with some of my lame facebook friends, but I'm going to do it because it's an option. Even if it's one I'm not fond of, it's still an option. The end.

And yes, I'm drunk.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Drunk and Alone. Not as Bad as it Sounds.

You know what doesn't happen enough? Drunk posts! That's right. I'm drunk, and posting. I don't think I've had a decent chance to do this since 2007. Well, live it up Samantha! It's drunk post time!

Why am I drunk and on a computer you may ask? Well, it's a long story when you really think about it. I'll just say I happened to end up alone tonight with nothing but some wireless internet, a pug, and an endless supply of cosmopolitan martinis at my disposal. So far I've watched two episodes of Intervention and commented an obscene amount on my friend Carly's photos on facebook. Oh, I also uploaded this photo of myself to hotornot.com.

Yes. This is me at Stonehenge looking like a crazy.  I can't possibly take hotornot.com seriously since you are judged purely on looks alone. Right now I'm sitting at a solid 8 with this gem of a drunken memory:

I can't help but be surprised at this. I never really wanted to sign up for Hot or Not. I just wanted to judge others as shallowly as I possibly could. This is what happens when you're in a drunken stupor with a laptop on hand. It didn't help that my boyfriend urged me to post a picture, hopefully not for internet verification that he is indeed dating someone who is of the status "hot". This sort of thing would never have become a reality through my own, sober doing. But if you find me in the right place at the right time... well, I guess anything can happen. This includes putting myself on the internet to be judged numerically by strangers who are apparently desperate to date me (new years hat included). I guess I didn't realize that Hot or Not is not only a mindless and indulgent way to pass the time, it is also a site where matches of heaven are made. Since signing up (again at my boyfriend's bidding), I've received a whopping 72--oh no, make that 74--men who have said "yes" to me. Now all I have to do is say "yes" back. But I won't because I have a boyfriend, sillies. Not only do I have a boyfriend, but I also am using his computer to post this post as I lay on his bed, drinking his alcohol and petting his dog... in his house. So yeah. You could say we're pretty attached. The only thing missing is him. But that's not his fault. I was supposed to be out of town visiting my grandma this weekend, but since the weather turned to crap, I instead stayed home. This did not sway Ryan from breaking his plans with the guys to get drunk and spend the night at a friend's house. And in case you're wondering, yes, it is a slumber party despite what he says. A drunken slumber party full of men, alcohol, and movie called The Gamer. Lame.

Enough of my explanations. Let's see some of the messages my Hot or Not friends have sent my way...

From "Matt": sorry to write all random, saw you on here, you're super cute! :] just wanted to see whats up with you.. hope you are having a sweet day, sorry again for the randomness, but had to say somethin.. cheers- matt :]

Don't even worry about it, Matt. You're not random at all considering you're contacting me via Hot or Not. My day has been pretty sweet if you find folding laundry and then getting drunk with a pug "sweet". Fortunately I do. If you want to date me, plan on things like this happening a lot. Also, I have a boyfriend who just wanted to see how hot I really am.

From "Ryan": What is your pretty hot self doing tonight, Sam? I like your hair! :)

Well, "Ryan", I'm drunk and on the internet. I suspect you're doing something of the same sort this Saturday eve? Perhaps not. Maybe I could date you because you have the same name as my current boyfriend, so things wouldn't totally be weird. That is until I realize I'm dating someone I met on Hot or Not and not my boyfriend who I happen to be madly in love with despite his short stature and scarred eyebrow. Thanks for liking my hair. You can have it. Also, I have a boyfriend who just wanted to see how hot I really am.

From "Jon": Wow you look amazing. You are very beautiful. I would love to talk and get to know you better. Please write back. Jon

Would you Jon? Really? Just because I happen to enjoy a good ring in of the new year doesn't give you grounds to "get to know me better". Although, it's nice that you think I'm beautiful. Still I'm a little creeped out that you're 40. I'm just not there yet. Also, I have a boyfriend who just wanted to see how hot I really am.

Yup. You can't make this stuff up. I'm going to see what this Stonehenge picture gets me. Hopefully some druids will write in with comments on my magic playing skills or some shit. I need another cosmo.

Friday, January 22, 2010

I'd Make a Terrible Mother

I was looking back in my livejournal. Back on the days when I would write, oh say, more than once a week. Man. Those were the days, blog. The days when I didn't have anything but myself, my radio, and my room. I had nothing, yet I had everything to write about. Now I have everything. Cable TV, the internet, multiple rooms, and a radio yet I have nothing in my brain anymore. The transition I've been through over the last few years have made me a believer that TV and the Internet corrupt brains. Well, maybe not everyone's brains, but for sure my brain. I don't do anything anymore! I just sit. Last night I sat and watched fat people work out. Back when I didn't have a TV, I would work myself out. I believe at one point in time I found myself asking why watch other people do stuff on TV when you could be doing it yourself? At the time, I didn't have an answer and I became all smug and proud of myself. But now. Now I have an answer to that question. TV is addicting! I'm addicted! So many things to see! Intervention, The Office, the Nightly News, Family Guy, Hoarders... It makes me sad.

What makes me sadder is the fact that I feel no creativity when I write anymore. Perhaps I'm mistaken in contributing this lack of creativity to the TV, but there's just nowhere else to turn. Because of this, I've made the decision to deprive my unborn children of any technological entertainment whatsoever so they have the chance to learn how to think for themselves. Only wooden toys will be present. Toys like blocks, and sticks, and rocks. Maybe pieces of wood, and a chalkboard. None of this nintendo crap. No staring for hours at the TV. Only when they are older. If they want a video game, then they are going to have to earn their own money and buy it. If they want a car, they are going to have to get a job. If they want food, don't ask me to make you any. You go to the grocery store yourself. Hell, I'm just going to put them out in the real world right away and let them fend for themselves from the get go.

And this is why I don't want to have kids right now. Don't freak out, blog moms. I'm not about to bring a baby into this world and make it go grocery shopping immediately after it gets comes home. But until I stop thinking of that as a plausible option for feeding my offspring, I shall remain childless. I only have the tolerance to care for a little pug by the name of Santiago.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Facebook and Pee

I've sunk to a new low and have created a facebook page for Santiago, my dogboyson. I think I'm going through a phase with this dog. He is so freaking cute to me right now, I feel I must share it with the world. If you'd like to friend Santiago, you go right ahead.  There is no shame in friending a dog on facebook. There is also no shame in maintaining a dog's facebook page on is behalf. Because really, everything in Santiago's information section of his profile is absolutely true.

On a completely seperate note, don't you just hate it when you've settled in at your desk, and then you realize you have to pee like a mo fo? That is what is happening at this very moment. What's even worse is that the bathroom is right next to my desk. It's like a 2 second walk over there and alas, I feel no desire outside of my aching bladder to leave this very spot. And this is why we are all obese. And that is why I'm going to the gym today.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

As A Follow Up to My Entry Below...

Thank the lord! I'm not alone! And there's science to back it up!

Winter Hasn't Gotten Long Yet, But That Doesn't Mean It's Awesome

I'm going to put myself out there and be totally Minnesotan and write about winter today. What I'm not going to do is act all tough and self righteous and brag about how oh so cold it is here and how oh so snowy it is here and how it's totally winter and we are a hearty people for putting up with this sort of weather for 6 months out of the year. Can you say pet peeve? I can.

Ever since I moved to Minnesota so many years ago, I noticed that the people here are very into exaggerating the woes of winter into something I find completely extraordinary and ridiculous. Did you know it gets to be -80 degrees in Minnesota during the winter time? Did you know they get 2 feet of snow in one sitting? I didn't know these things either! But luckily I met people who told me these things in a manner that had the essence of forced aloofess so I would be prone to gawk at how they weren't phased by the fact that they live in the next best thing to Antarctica.
That's it. I'm making a list.

Exaggeration: Winter in Minnesota lasts six months out of the year.
Reality: While it depends on the winter, I usually bank on it being between four to five months long. Usually it starts getting pretty wintery sometime in late November/early December and eases up in mid March. A six month winter would mean that snowy and cold winter weather would start in November and not end until the end of April. While I have experienced strong winter storms both at the beginning of November and at the end of April, they are few and far between and wouldn't happen in the same winter. My April blizzard experience, which can be re-experienced here was a one off situation that is not normal. In fact it was pretty ridiculous.

Exaggeration: Anything above zero degrees is balmy.
Reality: This is stupid. Of course it is going to be balls to the wall cold if it is 1 degree outside. You know what? It' also going to balls cold if it is 14 degrees outside. I know this because this morning it was 14 degrees outside and I wanted to die during my one block walk from the bus to work. Yes, I have experienced those cold snaps that last a week or two where it does indeed get to be 20 below, and in the following weeks 14 degrees doesn't feel too bad, but that's not how winter is in Minnesota. It only happens a couple weeks out of the year, usually in January. After that we continue on with shivering through at average temperatures in the teens and twenties.

Exaggeration: Yeah. Try living in Minnesota where it has 40 below zero winters.
Reality: This is a flat out lie. I went to school in Bemidji, Minnesota which tends to be roughly 10 degrees colder than most anywhere else in the state. The coldest it got during a snap one year was maybe 40 below. And you know what? It was for a week. It wasn't for months and months on end. It was a week. This shit happens every year in January or February and the weathermen can't contain themselves. From the way they talk about it, you'd think they'd never seen a temp drop below zero. It happens every year. Then the Minnesotans go and travel to places that are kind of warm and insinuate that we all live in ridiculously frigid temperatures for months on end. No. We don't. It's usually 15 - 25 degrees in the winter time. Yes, this is still cold and I explained above, but don't get too excited about deadly cold happening all the time. It's a lie.

I think I complain about this every year. But it just bothers me! Why can't people accept their surroundings and just realize that they live in a state that has crap weather for 4 to 5 months out of the year, but it's not crappy enough for special recognition? There are plenty of other places that have it much worse than Minnesota. Ever hear of Canada? Alaska? Siberia? Just to name a few. I may hate winter, but I really when people brag about it.

Beer makes everything better.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Santiago and Variations

Despite the busy happenings of my job, I will post this post. I realized I started this blog with an exorbitant amount of pictures of Santigo Falk, my boyfriend's dog. I decided it's been too long. Just much too long since we've seen a picture of my dogboyson. So without further ado, I present Santiago and Variations:

Oh man. That is so fun to see all the variations of Santiago in his hat. I bet you are all jealous of how I got my hands on such awesome variations of my simple photo I took of him looking miserable in his winter garb. Well, let me tell you my secret, blog. I know a guy who knows a guy. Actually, I have a friend. One of my best friends. She's an artist and a pretty good one at that. She's got mad skills for making art as you can clearly see. Check her out at her website on Etsy or maybe her other website that she has created all by herself. I'm sure if you contacted her with a picture of your dogboyson, she'd be happy to create such variations for a reasonable negotiated price. Her name is Carly. She's also tall and lives in England. Jealous yet? Ok. This will get you then. She's BFF with ME!

Was this entry a plug for Carly, or just an attempt to begin writing regularly in you blog? Well, I guess that's for you to decide.

Monday, January 4, 2010

I'm Inexplicibly Back

I have inexplicibly stopped writing for the past month. I wish I could explain, but I can't. I do believe this is the longest writing drought I've had in my past 3+ years of blogging. I'm frustrated with myself. I feel like I've let my thoughts down by not giving them the attention they deserve. I feel like I've let you down, blog, by not giving you my thoughts. I really shouldn't feel this way since you are of my domain. I control you, I've named you, I've decided your fun, yet simple layout that is generic in blog world, yet dear to my heart. What's more frustrating is that I had to start this entry over again since a slip of the mouse caused me to accidentally hit my favorites button for a grant writing site that I was looking at once in an attempt to research a career for myself. Luckily I've got enough determination at least to start a new, different entry. One that is slightly modeled from the original, but really not the same entry at all.

Enough of my sentimental blog blabbering. I have 5 minutes of my lunch hour left. What's a girl to write in 5 minutes? Anything I have to say will certainly take longer than that. Maybe it's a good thing I have nothing to say.

I'll say one thing. This whole living in the suburbs thing has led me to need an extra curricular activity that is more than my once a week improv. I need to find a group of people where I feel accepted. I feel accepted in my group at my job, but that is... well, it's my job. I need something on the side that is fun where I can be myself and not have to worry about what people think of me or about where some random conversation about jello is going to go. Hopefully not into playing characters who wear nothing but jello, because that sounds like something that would happen with the improv group. I like my improv group, don't get me wrong, but I don't feel accepted. I don't enjoy myself a wholly as I have in the past when around improv people. While I'm on a team with improv people, I don't always feel like I am working toward one common accomplishment with them. We perform every time we meet. It's more like hang out, rehearse, perform, call it a night, do it next week. There's no end product really. I want to work something from the ground up and say "I can't believe how far we've come" when it comes time for it to be shared with an audience.

Basically, I'm fancifully saying that I would like to be part of a theatrical production. I did a little internet research today and found that there are auditions for a show by the name of As You Like It by this guy called William Shakespeare. Maybe you've heard of him. I know I took a few courses with his name in them back in college. These auditions are for a community theater. As much as I have a negative view of community theater, I have no other options for theatrical experience at this time since I am an inexperienced actor in the career sense. I figure I might as well try to go out for a show since I have a little Shakespearean acting (rusty as it may be) under my belt. It's been a whole 5 months since the Fringe. It's time to satisfy my theater urge. I might as well try, right? And you never know. Maybe the people of this As You Like It production are fun and non-improvvy in the sense that they can carry out a conversation without creating and being a character in a hypothetical situation pertaining to the subject of said conversation. I'm not sayin', but I'm just sayin'.

Who am I kidding. Actors are all the same.

I'll be sure to put up more interesting posts about the more mundane things in life. I just wanted to get that little plan down on cyber paper for all but no one to see.