Monday, January 24, 2011

Wintertime Blues

Blog, I think I'm sick. I have been wheezy when I breathe and I cough sometimes. When I wake up, I have no voice and then as the day progresses, while I can speak, my voice feels weak and I want to just not say anything. My chest is tight, my throat is scratchy, and I'm constantly clearing it so I sound like I'm aheming my way through the day. I feel gross. I feel like if I touch someone they will fear that the sickness has been passed on to them and then I'll be looked down upon like some leper who has no regard for anyone and has escaped the colony to which I hath been banished. But I don't want to stay home. I can't. Must save vacation time. Must save money. Must travel world. Blog, now that I am no longer living in Maple Grove, tied to a guy who is lukewarm towards me and dealing with mice in my car, I have realized that there is a world full of wonderful people and places that I need to see. Must save money. Must save vacation time. Must travel world. This sickness cannot get me down. I will rest this eve and then run. Running is good for you when you're sick.

In other news, the post office shot me down again today in an attempt to mail a package to my unborn neice. Turns out, you have to purchase packing tape at the post office if you don't have any of your own. Also turns out if you're not using priority mail and just a beat up box from Trisha Grover to mail your items, that you have to fill out second mysterious form on top of the initial one listing out everything that is in the package. This mailing thing sucks, but I'm determined to get it down sooner or later.

Work is calling. Off I go into the land of spreading my disease to the world of online education.

Friday, January 14, 2011

I'm an Exceptional Bore

I haven't been in this situation in a long, long time, but it's funny how you are with yourself all day, everyday and you don't think anything of it. Like, I'm a regular person living day by day, taking the bus, going to work, seeing friends. There is nothing exciting about this and nothing that I would find exceptional about myself or my day to day life. But there is a person out there who is completely enthralled by me. Just me and my life and what I do in a day and who I am. And all of those things are very out of reach for him and if he were around these mundane things and me, he would be fulfilling this crazy desire he has and it would be wonderful.

The weird part is the same is true on this side of things too. I'm enthralled by his mundane activities and his day to day life and who he is as a person, even though none of that is exciting to him whatsoever. And he is with himself every day and doesn't think anything of how special he is, while I'm over here yearning to see him and experience his self proclaimed mediocrity.

Basically, it's funny to think that I am something that someone far away wants to see more than anything. I look at my hand and think there is someone across an ocean who wants to touch this hand more than anything. It's funny how just a few hours can catapult you into an entire month of wondering and wishing and hoping; into incessant thinking of this dim memory that now seems like a dream.

Blog, I've begun a chapter where I ponder with you instead of state stupid things that I have been up to. I'll snap out of it soon enough. Big life changes cause pondering. I have to admit the start of my Livejournal had the same essence to it.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Mourning Complete? Getting There.

While I would love to say that the mourning is complete, it isn't. But it certainly has eased a load off of my  mind and my heart. I just read the last entry I wrote in you, blog and my, my is that ever depressing. It's probably because I was in a very depressed state at the time I wrote it. Yes, that would make the most sense now wouldn't it.

These days things have eased up. I'm falling back into my single life where I have the routine of work, gym, read, sleep. It's getting more and more comfortable and I'm growing to like it slowly yet surely. My boyfriend who is no longer my boyfriend but who is my *gulp* ex-boyfriend, is not at the forefront of my mind every minute of every day. While I do think of him often, it's no longer with a desire for things to be the way they used to be. I wouldn't say it's with bitterness either, but it surely isn't positive. I think it's a dark acceptance of what has really happened and what has really been lost. It is quiet and sure of itself, and sometimes it causes a dull ache within my heart and my mind. I have been left with absolutely no future plans. They were all wiped away in a matter of days. I say days because that is the length of time both he and I allowed myself (and only myself) to fight for our relationship. Finally, after a week of begging and desperation, I gave up my fight and left.

Perhaps the only thing that is keeping this dull ache of acceptance at bay is the fact that I haven't looked back since. I've grieved and dealt with this. I haven't bottled anything up or pretended that it didn't happen. I haven't tried going back to him for a second chance. I've done everything I absolutely can to move forward from this terrible thing, and that's why the ache is dull and controlled. 2 1/2 months ago I had a house, a dog, a boyfriend, a garden, a garage, a yard, friends, parties, shows, you name it. I now have been whittled down to 400 square feet, a bed, street parking, Kerin and Sam. But one thing that is emerging that I realize I didn't have before is this little thing called happiness. I can feel it peeking around the corner, and I have hope that by spring it might just be full blown.

I was hoping to write something more amusing than a review of my attempts to get over something so shallow sounding as breaking up with my boyfriend. But then again, he's the one who broke up with me. And while he was out pretending that there is no pain involved with a decision like that, I was inside taking a break from my life along with reevaluating it entirely. I feel like I am now at the brim of emerging back into something entirely new and different even though I'm surrounded by the same city, job, people, and friends. My future plans have all been completely wiped away, but I find great comfort in that. I'm not committed to anything but my job at the moment. And this is a good feeling.