Friday, January 7, 2011

Mourning Complete? Getting There.

While I would love to say that the mourning is complete, it isn't. But it certainly has eased a load off of my  mind and my heart. I just read the last entry I wrote in you, blog and my, my is that ever depressing. It's probably because I was in a very depressed state at the time I wrote it. Yes, that would make the most sense now wouldn't it.

These days things have eased up. I'm falling back into my single life where I have the routine of work, gym, read, sleep. It's getting more and more comfortable and I'm growing to like it slowly yet surely. My boyfriend who is no longer my boyfriend but who is my *gulp* ex-boyfriend, is not at the forefront of my mind every minute of every day. While I do think of him often, it's no longer with a desire for things to be the way they used to be. I wouldn't say it's with bitterness either, but it surely isn't positive. I think it's a dark acceptance of what has really happened and what has really been lost. It is quiet and sure of itself, and sometimes it causes a dull ache within my heart and my mind. I have been left with absolutely no future plans. They were all wiped away in a matter of days. I say days because that is the length of time both he and I allowed myself (and only myself) to fight for our relationship. Finally, after a week of begging and desperation, I gave up my fight and left.

Perhaps the only thing that is keeping this dull ache of acceptance at bay is the fact that I haven't looked back since. I've grieved and dealt with this. I haven't bottled anything up or pretended that it didn't happen. I haven't tried going back to him for a second chance. I've done everything I absolutely can to move forward from this terrible thing, and that's why the ache is dull and controlled. 2 1/2 months ago I had a house, a dog, a boyfriend, a garden, a garage, a yard, friends, parties, shows, you name it. I now have been whittled down to 400 square feet, a bed, street parking, Kerin and Sam. But one thing that is emerging that I realize I didn't have before is this little thing called happiness. I can feel it peeking around the corner, and I have hope that by spring it might just be full blown.

I was hoping to write something more amusing than a review of my attempts to get over something so shallow sounding as breaking up with my boyfriend. But then again, he's the one who broke up with me. And while he was out pretending that there is no pain involved with a decision like that, I was inside taking a break from my life along with reevaluating it entirely. I feel like I am now at the brim of emerging back into something entirely new and different even though I'm surrounded by the same city, job, people, and friends. My future plans have all been completely wiped away, but I find great comfort in that. I'm not committed to anything but my job at the moment. And this is a good feeling.

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