Sunday, March 27, 2011

My Amazing Magic Trick

Today I was an idiot and decided to go work out and then go grocery shopping afterwards. I call myself an idiot for doing this because part of this process involves me not wanting to carry any sort of a purse/bag/satchel. I don't know why. My only reasoning for this is because I hate carrying things into the gym. The gym is a place of activity and having to lug things like purses/bags/satchels around is cumbersome to me. I get that people have gym bags, but I'm not one of those people. I don't like making sense when I leave my apartment to do stuff.

So, to resolve my issue with my lack of desire to carry anything with me as I go to the gym, I just threw my keys, phone, and debit card in my jacket pocket so I could get into the gym, answer any important phone calls I would get as I was walking to and fro my errands, and fetch some groceries as I had planned ingesting more than some pasta and cereal today.

I get to the gym and realize that I had forgotten the lock I use to keep my valuables (aka old ratty pants and jacket) safe as I work out my body into the sculpted perfection that it is. Of course I forget it on the day I actually do have something of value with me. That would be my debit card. Against the logic of anyone else I know, I decided to go for it and threw my stuff in a locker and hoped for the best as I sweated away half an hour on the elliptical machine. I realize I could have put my card in my cardigan and brought the whole thing with me, but like I stated before, carrying shit to and within the gym is something I don't like doing. I'd rather leave my entire checking account to the fate the unlocked locker has in store.

I returned slightly apprehensive that my card had gone missing from my jacket pocket, but soon found that no one had taken the time to rifle through all the unlocked lockers and sweaty clothes to steal what little money I have. I mentally paid tribute to the powers above that had so predictably protected my card from theft and shoved all my belongings into my jacket pocket. Onward to purchase groceries!

The grocery store was welcoming after my walk through the throngs of uptown night lifers who were dressed to the nines for a Saturday night out. Sure I looked homeless, and they probably all thought I was too, but I know at this moment all those pretty people are staggering around aimlessly, getting into drunken fights with one another and making bad decisions that they will regret in the morning. All whilst I sit blogging and drinking an orange La Croix. Don't be jealous of my way awesomer life uptown night lifers.

Anyway, my life got even more awesome when I got to the grocery store and purchased things like milk and hamburger and fucking tomatoes for more T's. Mmm. I love me a T.

Upon checkout, I was pleased that I had only spent 12 dollars on the basic necessities that I need to keep me alive. I whipped out my debit card with glee and swiped it for easy payment. Hip hip hooray for me. Grocery shopping has been a success. Now off to my cozy little place with a bag of food and a smile on my face!

I get a block down from the grocery store, once again among the throngs of dressy uptowners and hipsters ready to get their drink on. As I'm waiting to cross the street, I habitually check my pockets to ensure I have everything I left my home with. Phone, keys, iPod, card... card... card... card? Card. Where's my card? Where did you go? Are you in this pocket? That pocket? No. Are you in my grocery bag? No. Are you on the ground somewhere? No...

Oh! I must have left you at the checkout stand at the store. Of course! It's bound to happen sooner or later if I just carry my debit card around in my pocket like an irresponsible idiot. So, I make my way back to the grocery store all the while carefully retracing my steps and keeping an eye out for a yellow piece of plastic on the ground, just in case it had somehow fallen out of my pocket. I get to the store, and the cashier lady who had rung up my things already just vaguely remembers me and my scrubby look even though I've been gone for just a couple minutes. She tells me no one has turned in anything and we thoroughly look around the check out stand and once again in my pockets and grocery bag only to find nothing. I am baffled. How and when and where??? Card. I had a feeling I was going to lose you this evening, but I certainly thought you'd be stolen out of my gym locker before I'd carelessly make you disappear into thin air at Lund's. I mean, I've managed to work some magic in my day, but this is certainly the most impressive trick I've performed yet.

So yeah. I end up leaving my name and number with the manager in case anything turns up, and leave the grocery store empty handed. Well, I shouldn't say that. I was now lugging a stupid bag full of groceries which I had purchased with a card that is now no longer existent. It's not like I can even blame myself for not remembering when I last used it. I had a bag of fucking groceries in my hand that I had just bought. But card? Card is gone. Gone forever.

I uttered "fuck" the entire way home and held out this inane hope that perhaps when I got home, I'd have a facebook message from some kind stranger who had found the card, taken the time to look me up and tell me about it. But alas, no such message has been received. No phone call from the store. Only a call from someone who certainly makes me smile, but who can't bring my card back into existence. I can't say that it was only a phone call, it was a wonderful phone call, but as far as the card goes, it was an unproductive one in that respect.

I digress. I ended up canceling the bastard. I checked my account and everything. No suspicious activity; the last purchase being at Lund's just this evening. I'm baffled by my brilliance in this whole matter. Because, really I'm the one to blame for everything. What idiot is staunch enough about carrying shit to the gym to just willy nilly throw their debit card into their pocket and hope for the best?

This idiot I guess.

Well, at least I lost it after I bought the groceries. Now I've got all the meat, milk, T's and eggs a girl could ask for. Fuck access to my checking account...

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