Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Eggs are Incredible... and Edible!

I've got cold water running over boiled eggs. This is going to be magnificent...

Is part of me sad that I was only, as my mother puts it, a "sparkle in her eye" at the time the "incredible edible egg" slogan was created? Yes. I'm a huge egg advocate. There is nothing false about that advertising slogan whatsoever. Eggs are indeed incredible. They are also edible. They are also eggs. I've never been one to get into advertising, but I think that is the most brilliant slogan ever created. Probably because the egg is the most brilliant piece of food ever created by the world, ever. Think about it. An egg is small, round, compact, beautiful. You can crack it open and fry it, scramble it, poach it, separate it, or you can keep it in its shell and do the most wonderful thing of all: you can boil it.

Boiled eggs. Seriously, I want everyone to jump on this egg train with me. I can boil 6, 7, 8 eggs at the same time. It only takes like 20 minutes. Once the eggs are boiled, all I have to do is grab a paper towel, a salt shaker and a hard surface and dinner is served. What's that? I'm running low on lunches? Why, take a couple boiled eggs out of the fridge and bring them to work. Find a paper towel, some salt, a hard surface and lunch is served. I don't give a shit if I'm the girl who's lunch smells like sulfur, I'm eating boiled eggs yo! They are the most amazing thing to consume during the noon hour!

I mean really! What other natural food can you find that is contained in a shell? You can cook an egg in its shell! You can have it cooked and ready to go and it's still in it's natural container. That. Is. Amazing. I don't care who you are, that is amazing food right there. And not only is it cooked and contained in a beautifully round and smooth shell, it is nourishing. This isn't any peanut. This isn't any coconut. This is freaking food for a baby chick that has been aborted by me boiling it's lifeline and yoke sack and whatever the hell else is in there. I don't care about you baby chick. Yeah I'm a heathen for it, whatever. I'm taking your food, baby chick, and making it my own. I'm eating your lifeline for lunch tomorrow, baby chick. Don't think I won't. I will. I just ate two of you since I started writing this entry. I'm unstoppable!

I do want to point out that I'm fully aware that the eggs you buy in the grocery store are not capable of growing baby chicks, but they are eggs all the same. Nature is nature, folks. Eggs first and foremost are meant to foster chicken embryos into real live baby chicks that turn into chickens. And because of this I'm going to continue to proudly call myself a baby chick heathen since my diet consists mostly of their embryo food, pasta, and wine.

Oh, and how appropriate. I'm drinking Rex Goliath tonight. Probably the best wine ever created. The best wine next to three buck Chuck and eggs. I know that eggs aren't wine, but they're so awesome right now they're going to be grouped in with it, I don't care how much nonsense that makes.

The thing about Rex Goliath is that it has a giant rooster on its label. A rooster that is full of seed that it somehow uses to inseminate chickens so that they create amazing eggs. See? Yeah, I know chicken sex is gross to think about, but eggs aren't. Eggs, if we remember, are incredible and edible and eggs. If it takes something as disturbing as chicken sex for that to happen, I'll gladly live with it and hell, I'll even embrace it. (though that's not to say I want to witness chicken sex anytime soon... or ever)

Fucking eggs man. They are the bees knees. Only they're not bees or knees at all. They are incredible. They are edible. They are eggs, and right now there are two of them in my tummy and that makes me pretty happy.

Oh shit. I promised this guy I met tonight at improv that I'd put him in my blog. Well, this is going to be a big let down if he ever remembers to take the time to find my blog in the endless folds and creases of the internet. His name is Don Watts. Not Don Knotts who we lovingly remember as the dopey Barney from the Andy Griffith Show (is Andy Griffith still alive?). No, this is Don Watts, and I really don't know him at all. He had a hat on and is in some show. Whatever. Anyway, I told him about you, blog (because I'm starting to do that so I write in you more) and he said he wanted to be a subject or an entry or something. So there you go Don Watts. You made my blog. It's not hard. You'll probably never find this anyway, so who cares.

But if you do, you now know that eggs are the most amazing thing in the world. 

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