Thursday, March 3, 2011

Cabin Fever Anyone?

Blog, I think winter has made me crazy.

First of all, I parked my car on the street today. Well, I park my car on the street whenever I park my car because that is the only place I have to put it around here. Street park, yo. Anyway, because it has been winter for a year and 9 months, there is of course a snow bank along the side of the street that has melted, frozen, accumulated and repeated that process since November. As we now know, the snowbank is that of frozen concrete that turns out to be a complete bitch to try and park your car up against. It also is a complete bitch for others who park on the street as well. I'm also kind of a complete bitch for eying a spot that I'm pretty sure was the exact length of the boat that is my car. But like any woman driver who has been slowly driven mad by old man winter, I thought I could accomplish the impossible. It didn't help that the bitch who parked her (his?) SUV ahead of this spot had done so a good 3 feet away from the snowbank of terror (and fucking old snow) and therefore made it extra tricky to maneuver my carboat into a position that fit within the space I had so stupidly chosen to park.

Long story short, I ended up feeling like that one scene from Austin Powers where he bombs it on the three point turn. Sadly, I wasn't skilled enough to get my car in such a position, so after bumping bitch SUV in front of me and old grandma car behind me for a few minutes, I managed to escape down the street to a space that was much more plausible. However, now I'm faced with the fear that Kerin has instilled in me when it comes to parking on the street in the winter. I'm very conscious of how much my rearview mirror on the passenger side sticks out onto the street for fear of it being clipped off by passing traffic. Because of this fear, and the ample space at hand, I get my car into such a position as to where it is sitting pretty much halfway up the side of the concrete snowbank that lines the street. Technically, it's still on the street despite this since I'm pretty sure that the "curb" is actually 5 feet out from the actual curb that has been buried since April of last year (or November, whatever). My car is the only one parked halfway up a snowbank right now and I don't even care. It looks ridiculous. I was madly laughing the entire time I was getting it into this position. I climbed out the drivers side and found myself balancing on the concrete snow, fumbling to lock my door, laughing maniacally and muttering how stupid winter is. Winter is so stupid. Ha! It is so fucking stupid everyone!!

So that was me getting home. Then I get into my apartment where I proceed to ready myself for the gym. During the process of changing out of my work clothes and into my gym clothes (which I'd like to add are getting increasingly more and more unattractive as the winter goes on because, well, I just don't give a shit anymore), I find myself violently whipping off my shirt and snapping it into my hamper. I'm dancing to stupid music on the radio. I'm stretching in the mirror. I'm giddy with gym excitement. I end up putting on three pairs of pants and two shirts (because it's still winter and fucking cold outside and I can't remember the last time it didn't take me 15 minutes to put on enough clothes to walk out the door, someone help me please). I put on a scarf that ends up making me look like I have a neck brace. I find myself jumping around my apartment, taking longer than necessary to gymify myself. Hair up, hair down, hair up, hair down. Before I know it I'm staring into my liquor cabinet. I catch myself doing this and realize I am looking for my hat and gloves. I'm looking for my hat and gloves in my empty liquor cabinet (sad that it's empty, huh). I think for a moment that my new found internet access can save me and then I decide running two miles on a treadmill is a better solution.

Shit. I only realize now that I forgot to put the incline up to .5 tonight. I'm angrier about this than I should be. Perhaps it's because now I feel like I didn't get an adequate workout. Perhaps it's because running outside doesn't require you to PUSH BUTTONS TO MAKE YOUR FEET GO. I don't know.

I hate everyone at the gym. Everyone is stupid and doesn't know anything. Everyone is obsessed with E! news and commercials. Everyone wants to have giant muscles and to be skinny. Everyone is wearing spandex and shorts that are too short. Everyone is walking around the gym trying to look like they work out all the time instead of actually working out. The girls are all wearing makeup like they're going out on the town or something. Who the fuck wears exorbitant amounts of eyeliner and eyeshadow and mascara to the gym? Seriously, your eyes look more made up than I did at my senior prom, and you're at the gym right now? Who are you? Stop it.

I take pride in the fact that everyone who sees me at the gym probably thinks I'm a big butch lesbian. I don't care. I really don't. You know why? Because I'm not a butch lesbian. I'm a straight girl and I can clean up nice people. And even if I were a butch lesbian, who cares? If I were a butch lesbian, I'd be one of those butch lesbians who looks like she's got a guy body, but really she's got a lady body. Because I'm really a girl just wearing baggy clothes and a sports bra. And if I were a butch lesbian, I'd be wearing baggy clothes and a sports bra because I want to because I'M A BUTCH LESBIAN.

I digress. Winter has made me slightly crazy. I refuse to wear a hat these days. You know why? Because I'm sick of hats. I'm sick of putting shit on my head to keep it warm. I also don't wear gloves or mittens. You know why? Because I lost them all. Yeah, I lost all the mates to my mittens and gloves for this year. It happens every year, I don't know why I'm surprised. I have no complete pairs of mittens or gloves so I've just boycotted them completely. My sick winter mind tells me it'll be warm soon enough to where I don't have to worry about frostbite taking my fingers. It keeps telling me that. I keep believing it. I'm waiting for the day I can comfortably keep my hands out in the air without them turning numb, like the Mormons are waiting for the day they get their own planet. It'll happen. It'll totally happen and it'll happen soon enough.

I'm going to bed. It's time. It's time to push through another winter evening into a new winter day. But that new winter day is one day closer to it not being winter anymore. That being said, who wants to take bets with me that there's still going to be snow on the ground in May? I'm 99% sure this is going to happen people, but God help me if I'm wearing a hat when we find out...

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