Sunday, October 7, 2012

I Didn't Think I'd Be This Way

Blog, tonight I got a phone call from my friend Sam. She started out the conversation with a preface to some news she had to share.

"I wanted to tell you before you saw it on Facebook," she said.

"Ok," I replied tentatively. I was half nervous and half excited for what surely was some juicy gossip. She said she was going to text me, but thought that calling me would be a better way to tell me. For a second I thought someone might have died, but she was too upbeat for that sort of a tragedy. I was hopeful that it wasn't something that would ruin the pleasant Sunday evening I was spending with my new roommates. One thing I've learned in the last week is that coming home to people is an amazing thing. So far I love this living-with-people situation.

"Brian is engaged," she said. Or so I thought she said.

"Brian? Who's Brian?"

"Ryan," she tried again; emphasizing the "R" at the beginning of his name.

"Brian?" I could not wrap my mind around who she was talking about. Frankly, all I could think of was that guy I dated a year ago. I have my own reasons for going there... unfortunately.

"Ryan. Ryan is engaged."

"Ryan? Ryan. Ohhh! Ryan!"

Ryan, Blog. Ryan, my ex-boyfriend. Ryan, the one who I thought I was just going to end up with forever. Ryan, the one who would joke that he wanted to trade me in for a "younger model" and then really did. Ryan is engaged.

It only took a second for me to realize how he asked her. I knew even before Sam went into detail. It's the beginning of October in Minneapolis. That means the Twin Cities Marathon is on the tips of everyone's tongues. That means he ran it. And that means he proposed to her in a most public and flashy gesture right after he crossed the finish line.

Hit the nail on the head.

I anticipate a destination wedding to take place in Mexico in either the early spring or fall of next year. My best to the happy couple.

Sam was worried that I'd be hurt or upset or feel a sting of lost love. She even went out of her way to talk me up as a beautiful, one-of-a-kind girl who couldn't have a ring determined for her because of her terrific originality. It was sweet and I appreciated the sentiment (because it's totally accurate), but it was something I didn't need to hear. I already knew what she was telling me and frankly, I am so removed from the situation that I was a little sad I wasn't more jealous/upset/bitter that this has happened. However, I take great pride in this reaction since it was a mere two years ago I felt like my entire world was caving in around me because he decided that I wasn't the girl for him.

It's turned out to be the biggest favor anyone has ever paid me.

In those two years since he told me that he wanted someone who would do things like focus on their career and run marathons, I've experienced more than I could have ever imagined when I was wasting away in that suburban house.

If he knew what I was up to these days, he'd probably think that he's made it and I've taken a turn for the worst. I'm still single, just moved in with roommates and hate my job. But this change I've made has already started to make me happy. I'm interacting with people who inspire, support, and challenge me. I'm playing music on a regular basis which is incredibly satsifying and makes me happier than I have been in a long time. I'm realizing things about this world and this life that I was too scared to realize before. I'm taking risks and am going down the road less traveled. I'm incredibly single, incredibly unattached, incredibly determined to keep the things I've loved my entire life at the forefront of it. It's something I've never done before, and it certainly was something that wasn't on my mind when I was with Ryan.

So thank you, Ryan. Every time I learn something new about your life, I'm reminded that settling for you would have been the biggest mistake I could have ever made. Congratulations on the marathon and engagement. Two years ago I was the one at the finish line, screaming my support for you, but had you gotten down on one knee after you had crossed it, I know I wouldn't have said yes. I'm glad you just went to the water tent instead.


  1. Wow--girly, I totally assumed you already knew. I didn't even think to tell you. I was curious, as soon as I saw it on facebook, all I could think of was how you were taking the news. I am glad that you have gained self-awareness on the situation and you are working toward your own happiness. I love that you have this blog. I feel so far from you life. I miss you. I want to know what is happening in your world. I miss you.

  2. Don't miss me too much! I'm going to make a legit visit in the summer. More than likely June since that's going to be the best time for me to go. I'm thinking a few weeks. Like 2 or 3. Oh yeah, and Ryan's engaged. Meh. :)