Every time I’m on the train, I look at the people working on the train and envy them for the cool job they have. In reality, it’s probably a really lame and stupid job, but it seems novel. Living a life on the rails and coming across all sorts of people young and old traveling across the country. All of them at different points in their lives, with different backgrounds and experiences. The train unites them together in a long line of cars bobbing down the tracks in a slow and comforting rhythm.
But tonight I’m on the squeaky car. Luckily my music is doing a good job of drowning it out.
Tonight I looked at the train employees and was content with my place and theirs. I had no desire to quit my job and take up a life of traveling across the country, catering to a variety of passengers. I think it’s because I’ve landed my own job traveling across the country, catering to the malleable minds of Appalachian youth. Out of context this sounds ridiculous. It kind of is. A couple months ago I went out on a limb and auditioned for a touring theater company that puts on educational shows for children across the country. And I got cast.
I leave in January. It’s only for two months, which I’m happy about. I know by March I’ll be missing Minneapolis something fierce and will embrace my return to this city that I find myself loving more and more with each time I leave it. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
What I’ll do when I’m back is beyond me. I’m working with Courtney on figuring out a plan to get headshots and commercial work. It’s something I feel completely incapable of doing. But she described the whole process as breaking through tissues; daunting tissues that only turn out to be tissues after you’ve discovered how easy they are to break through. Why am I pursuing this sort of thing? Because my heart and my mind won’t rest until I do. I’ve been so logical and responsible I’ve pushed what I really love aside just so I could make the rent and pay the bills and have some left over to pay for a good time.
But I realized I spend most of my time toiling away at a job I’ve grown to hate, just so I can spend money on wine. Something has clicked in me over the past few months. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but there was a day when I realized that I could do whatever I want. Well, whatever I want within reason and morals. I love performing. I love creating. It is something I’ve known since I was a kid. Am I good at it? Who cares? I love it. I should do it. If I’m not good at it now, I’ll get good at it by doing it.
So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to take the plunge. I’m going to go on tour. I’m in a band. I’m going to get headshots and hopefully commercial work. I’m going to continue working with the amazing Courtney McLean who is showing me that the tissues really are just tissues. They may be scary, but they are easily broken.
I’m not envious of the train workers because I’m finally on a path to doing something that I love. I’ve finally become ok with myself. Thank God I figured it out before I hit 30.