Monday, February 21, 2011

Gut Wrenching, Teeth Grinding Madness

On the bus this morning I had to remind myself that today is the first day of the rest of my life. A week from now I'll know more about what that life (at least short term life) will look like. Today, tomorrow, Wednesday, who knows, maybe even Thursday and Friday will be full of anxiety and endless waiting for an answer of what that life will be.

A week ago, I was blissfully unaware of the giant change that could potentially befall me and everything as I know it in my life. Now, seven days later I'm on edge. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't focus. I can't do anything but wonder if a week from now I'll still be at this desk doing a job I've done for nearly a year. Working at the company I've been with for pretty much four. I keep sighing in hopes that the pressure will lift from my heavy heart, but in the end it just makes me light headed and dizzy.

Layoffs suck.

I've never gone through this before. Nor did I think I ever would have to with this company. And now suddenly I'm faced with the potential of being out of a job. I just want to know. Not knowing is the worst part at this point. Being here and not knowing if I'll continue being here is terrifying to me. The worst part is that it's someone else's decision, and not mine. If I could volunteer to be laid off, I would. I really would. I have the best back up plan a person could have. It includes traveling to Europe, seeing friends, seeing other... prospects. Allowing myself to refresh a bit and break out of this bubble that Minneapolis keeps putting me in. There is a world out there with endless opportunities. Right now it doesn't feel like it at all. If I get laid off, that world is my oyster. If I keep my job, that world is my oyster. The world is not my oyster, however, for this week and this week only. No. This week the world belongs to executive leadership. I want them to get this over with so I know if I'll be a vagabond over the next six months, because if they decide to let go of me, I will certainly do my best to make that happen.

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