Blog, I am really glad that I figured this out. I am really glad that I'm acting on it (be it strategically). I am incredibly relieved that I found some validation in the risks I'm about to take in the video/speech below:
So many times I've been asked at this job to articulate what my dream job is. It's always assumed that everyone would rather be doing something else, but we are here because it's the responsible thing to do. It's what needs to happen in order to afford the simple luxuries that we've grown accustomed to. I'm amazed at myself for being able to ask "But what's the worst thing that would happen if I went after what I really want to do?". My entire job is based on giving others the advice and motivation they need to go after their dreams. What would happen if I took my own advice? What is the absolute worst that would happen?
I would fail. I would be broke. I would have to put my dream on hold and start up a lame desk job again. But what I would have then that I don't have now is the experience and satisfaction of giving it a go. Might as well take a risk. There's only so much time left on this earth.
Blog. I am doing ok. I am happy. I think I'm figuring out what I need in my life. Creativity. Friends. Activity. Adventure. Genuine experiences. These things may seem obvious, but for awhile they have been anything but. I hope I can ride this high for as long as it will let me be a passenger. It is easy to get caught between four very close walls that obstruct your view of what is out there. But take the time to build a door, even if you don't know how, and you can make your way out and into a new and exciting and satisfying world.
Yeah, I've probably had this sort of an epiphany before, and who knows how long this will last, but I can only make the most of it and acknowledge it to you Blog. Recently there has been a phrase that I've keep close at hand, especially for those times when I feel totally inept and stupid and out of my league:
"Do it because you love it"
Don't do it for any other reason. If you love it, do it. Unless you're Jeffrey Dahmer and love killing animals and young boys, then maybe hold back and figure your shit out. But if it's a healthy hobby like writing or knitting or trivia or cars or golf or anything constructive, do it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, because if it did, you wouldn't have the innate free will that drives you towards whatever it is you love to do.You wouldn't have the unbearable guilt and regret that takes over your conscious when you turn to other "more practical" activities. You wouldn't have that exhilarating ecstasy flood not only your mind, but your soul, when you make yourself available to the malicious jaws of failure and self consciousness only to come out on the other side unscathed; better, even. You are more at ease and confident in that one thing; that thing that is in your life for no other reason than the fact that you love it. And the only reason you do it, is because you love it. And the ecstasy you feel comes from experiencing that thing you love.
One thing I've learned is that if I love it, I fear it as well. This is experiences, people, and things for me. It's because love is an incredibly vulnerable feeling and vulnerability is a scary thing. But if you overcome that scary feeling and go for it, you fall even more in love. I might not have been able to go there with the people in my life, but at this point I'm determined to do it with the experiences, arts, crafts, and creativity that is out there. We are all made to love (except for Jeffery Dahmer and probably Ted Bundy too) and we should tap into that whether it be in our relationships, careers, interests, or callings. If you're lucky, it could be all of those things.
For now I'm going to do my best to surround myself with inspiring people, promising plans, and alcohol. Because in the end alcohol lets down our inhibitions enough so we can conquer that fear and everything else that goes along with it.
Blog, today I write to you from abroad! I am visiting my dear friend Carly this week and am simultaneously exploring the majestic Azorian island of Terceira. So far we have done many things like eat this delicious thing called alcatra, drink wine, catch up on old times, play with puppies, and ride in the back of a pick up truck to a club. It's been quite the adventure and there are still three days left! Including today, Cinco de Mayo, which will entail a party complete with a pinata. I'm also really hoping to see some bull aggravation along the way, but who knows if there'll be time for that.
I do believe this may be my first post to you from abroad, Blog. How fun! For as many times as I've flown over the Atlantic, I only have gotten the chance to write to you during the one time I've been dropped in the middle of it. Seriously. This island shit is crazy. Ocean views all the time. And we all know how I feel about the ocean...
I fear the ocean. It. Is. Right. Over. There.
It is right over there all the time. Because I'm on an island. An island surrounded by ocean. That's what makes it an island.
Also, I don't speak a lick of Portuguese. I thought maybe my really bad Spanish might be able to get me by, and it does when it comes to reading subtitles on the TV, but speaking this stuff? I asked a cab driver about 15 times how to say "thank you" and still said "thank you" as I exited the car. Oh well. At least I know how to get a plate of squid around here and if I'm honest, that's half the battle right there.
Blog, you need some sprucing up. I've been way too down way too much lately. It's time to bring the life back to you. While you are a very theraputic tool in getting this temporary depression out of my mind and onto the world's screen, I cannot dwell for too long.
With that, this song willl be playing for the duration of this entry, in part because of my continued penchant for close harmonies:
If I were smart, I would have embedded this video because it's awesome to watch, but alas, Vimeo escapes me at this point in my life.
Anyway, now that we've got that underway Blog, we can go anywhere. Or at least I can. You're unfortunately stuck on the internet for the rest of time... until I bite the bullet and print you out into a poorly-written and sporatic manuscript to avoid losing you in the impending internet apocolypse.
Two things I'm contemplating on doing with my life:
1. MA, MFA, OMGICBITAGBTS...
That last acronym stands for OMG I can't believe I'm thinking about going back to school. I've been jaded towards the idea of education for so long mainly because of its incredible cost and my day to day interactions with people who seem to have been fooled into pursuing a dream by the means of a faulty program that is encased in red tape. I have to remind myself that they are of a certain population of people who think they know what they want and then react with the easy way out by rashly giving a corporation thousands of dollars for nothing in return because they know not how to invest in themselves (i.e. The "you've got my money, now why would I have to work for this degree?" mentality).
I do not have that mentality. School scares the shit out of me, so if I went for it I'd probably do alright since fear is the driving factor of most of my successes. If I'm not scared, I'm bored and if I'm bored, I go slightly insane and start contemplating giant life decisions like going back to school or...
2. Getting a working holiday visa for Australia so I could live there for a year.
Here I go again running away from my problems (or perhaps despair) by spontaneously pursuing my longing to live not in the Midwest. I've always had this desire and now that I'm suddenly in the latter part of my twenties my reaction to it has grown to be quite a dramatic one. What used to be Chicago, is now Sydney. I happened upon this particular visa the other day during an internet search regarding traveling to Australia that I had started purely for entertainment purposes. It has since developed into a life option. The visa is only available to those between the ages of 18 and 30 which makes me feel like I'm running out of time which makes me scared which, as I mentioned above, drives my success. It's a ridiculous idea at this point, but is also one that could get me somewhere interesting (literally).
Two things. That's all I have. Two giant things. I don't know if either of them will ever come to fruition, but it's nice to have something to think about besides how sad I am all the time.
Blog, maybe it's time I made you more controversial. I mean, aren't you a little tired of hearing about my day and my emotions on the mundane things that happen to me all the time? Maybe I should start having opinions about world events and issues. There's a global economy out there, whatever that is. Maybe I should make comments about it to you. There was this whole protest thing that happened across the US and the world. Maybe I should record my thoughts and feelings on it. There are crazypoliticianseverywhere. Maybe I should link to videos of them more often.
Or I can continue being myself. That advice applies to not only job interviews and dates, but also to writing in you. It's not good to pretend to be something you're not on a public forum. It can be exhausting and holes can easily be poked through the facade you are trying to create. Yeah. I think I'll keep it to the mundane activities that occur in my day to day experience. If for some reason those occurrances get me going on a political rant or a moral debate, then so be it. I can always make a point to follow these rules and these steps to enhance you and myself in one way or another; whether you end up controversial or a mere narrative of my life.
