Yet Another Ode to Theater

First things first, Blog...

OMG DOWNTON ABBEY I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I HAVE BEEN LIVING UNDER THIS ANTI-POP CULTURE ROCK FOR ALL THESE YEARS!!

I am learning, Blog. I am learning about the Edwardian Era of the 20th century. I'm learning about the elegance and ridiculousness of aristocrats who live in a castle. I'm learning about the relationships people have with one another. I'm feeling feelings again! Major nerd feelings geared towards fantastical characters on a screen, but feelings nonetheless! Feelings I can apply to my life and be inspired by! Feelings that tell me I'm not alone! That it could be worse! That I too could prefer a chaise lounge to that of an upright chair when it comes to relaxing in a corset.

Masterpiece Theater is changing my life. I should have known this was going to be a thing for me. It's not my fault that I'm the spawn of people who religiously taped I Claudius when it aired on PBS during my childhood. God it was so boring when I was seven! But now. NOW! Bring it on Masterpiece Theater! I realize my parents have impeccible taste when it comes to late night public programming. Don't get me started on Ken Burns' Civil War...

I think there's an element of excitement for me today Blog because I spent my entire afternoon doing what I absolutely love in this life: making theater. I'm reminded this Fringe season that it's not all about being on stage for me. I am in love with the entire process of putting on a show. I need to do this more. I need to learn how to run a light board. I need to call cues more often. I need to assess a stage picture and figure out if it works. And if it doesn't? How do I make it better?

I've said it time and time again that I feel cursed with the fact that I was destined to have a heart that lives in the world of the performing arts. I think I've stifiled it for the most part since it is a ridiculous profession when you really think about it. Let's get some people up on a platform, soak them in lights, and listen to what they have to say. But it's the core of every piece of entertainment you see out there. The music you listen to is made by people who stand in a light in front of other people watching them. The movies you pay $12 to see are put on by people standing in front of cameras and technicians lighting them with all sorts of contraptions. The TV shows you watch, LIKE DOWNTON ABBEY, are created the same way. The stage is where it all started and it's where my heart lies and I totally am aware that every July I get all gushy over the performing arts and aspire to become something great and get this sort of a thing in my life right away. But let's face it. I never take action.

Except for today before the tech rehearsal I so thoroughly enjoyed, I auditioned for a company that tours children's shows around the country. If I get it? I leave my current job and take a leap of faith for the thing I've loved to do ever since I can remember. Ever since I was an annoyed seven year old who didn't want to watch I Claudius, but instead wanted her mom to play showtunes from the Reader's Digest Unforgettable Music Memories collection so she could put on an old dress and play "Broadway" in the mirror. Clap Hands, Here Comes Charlie! wasn't just a catchy tune. It was a dream. An perfectly attainable dream!

I'm appropriately dramatic about this. I told the cast I pseudo directed today that their movements and decisions, no matter what they are, must be deliberate on stage. The audience trusts deliberate action. So does fate. I have to take my own direction and deliberately go through with this, no matter how stupid or foolish I feel. Some of the best advice I got from one of my acting teachers in college was a simple word: commit. Commit to your actions and you will find your way.

So I auditioned for this big thing. If I get it, I'm doing it. If I don't? I'm still moving in with Andy Browers. I've been asked to potentially manage this band. I am looking here for opportunities both acting and tech-wise. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, but I have to trust that my interest has given me enough knowledge to start. I technically earned a minor in Theater alongside my major in English. I might as well put it to use since my main course of study is just what I speak and write every day anyway. I don't regret a lot, but I do regret not taking the actual thing I love and making it my major. It's never too late, I guess.

Two Things... No Three

Two things, Blog:

1. My little view counter thing hit 4,000 views today. I don't know if that means I'm just that obsessed with you Blog, or if it means that there are people who actually read you (or at least "view" you). I only have 10 followers, and I think that half of them are defunct accounts. I did learn last week that Jo from work reads you though. That brightened my day. Thanks for reading, Jo.

2. This song.

Oh, and 3. I discovered Downton Abbey over the weekend, Blog. Now I just want my life to consist of interrupted conversations and knowing glances. If only...

Revelations

I am wiped out Blog. Don't worry. It is in a good way.

I just wrote an entire scene breakdown for the show I'm stage managing for the Fringe this year. I honestly don't even want to get into it. So many stage directions. So many props. So. Many. Cues.

It's going to be wonderful.

And because I'm learning that I'm a conflicted soul who yearns for the spotlight, but doesn't know what to do with it once it floods my eyes, I'm going to refrain from going any further into promoting the show. No one reads you anyway Blog. Any promotion here is pointless. And there is something comforting about that.

I also realized I've been waiting around for a boy who is never going to show up.

So because that guy is never going to arrive, I'm going to go ahead and do what I want. I'm going to move. I'm going to audition for a touring show next week. And if I get it? I'm quitting my job.

I don't need to do what I'm supposed to do anymore. I'm going to do what I want to do.

It's not worth it to sit around in this room and let depression take over my being just because I have a steady income at a desk job. It sounds naive, but I don't care. I'm done with this. I'm going to make it a goal to keep what I love in my life, one way or another.

I've Been Comfortable For Way Too Long

Well, now I've really done it, Blog. For a long time now I've wallowed in this rut and I think I'm on the cusp of leaping out of it. I just got a text that reads "Let this new era begin! Yes!"

Thank you Andy Browers.

I'm going to move, Blog. I'm going to sacrifice all that I love about my quaint uptown apartment what with its French windows, decorative fireplace, and tiled bathroom, and exchange it for a bedroom in an upper level duplex on the other side of Uptown along with an extra $250 a month.

I need the money so I can save it and get myself to a point where I can maybe not spend 40 hours a week in this cubicle.

I'm not doing this alone. You never can, really. I have the opportunity to live with Andy, and I fully expect to take advantage of rooming with this old college friend who offers not only cameraderie, but who also is a source of motivation. I don't know what will happen, but I think that's a good place to be after spending such a long time being able to predict every day with the accuracy of Robin Hood, Annie Oakley, and Katniss Everdeen combined. It is time for a change of some sort.

In other news, I. Suck. At. Dating.

Saturday night I went to a concert, which is something I wish I did more. It was a great concert. A little bit of this band in my ears is never a bad thing. I saw a Sousaphone in action, Blog. A real live Sousaphone. Life was good.

Under a painted sky that intensified with every swig of my Michelob Golden Light, I wove in and out of the crowd with Kerin; the entire time wondering why the hell I don't drop $25 on this sort a thing more often. I guess it's because lately the rut I've been in hasn't allowed me to try new things, like oh say, concerts. Note to self: concerts are fun.

You know what else is fun? Getting drinks after the concert with my friends and this dude who they know who, I don't know, seemed into me enough to where I might have closed the bar down with him long after my friends bailed for the evening. You know, like you do. Just closing down the bar with some dude you just met. Who seems into you. But maybe not. I don't know. Remember, I suck at dating.

After half an hour of wish-washing down the street, not wanting to part in our drunken stupor, a cab came out of nowhere to whisk me away from the strange neighborhood where we had spent the evening. I climbed into the taxi reluctantly and only because I didn't want to come off as one of those floosies who spends the night with a guy she's just met. I wanted to maintain my class and virtue. I wanted to remain mysterious. I was also freaked out of my mind because, I don't know, I haven't really been into a guy practically since this year started and don't know how to deal with feelings anymore.

The moment I shut the door, I felt funny. Like I wasn't supposed to be in this car. The feeling was so strong, that I almost told the driver to stop so I could jump out and wave down dude who I had spent the past four hours with. But, and I realized this the next day, I've become very accustomed to allowing my head take over my heart in these situations. I subconsciously told my heart to shut the hell up, you don't know what you're talking about. Remember the times when I put all my faith in you and everything got totally fucked up and stupid? Yeah me too. I resolved to stick with what my head was telling me and dug into my purse to ensure I had my wallet, phone, and ke--.

My keys.

Where are my keys?

They're right... they're in here somewhere.

Fuck.

They are at Kerin's aren't they.

Since I spend all my time in South Minneapolis these days, the evening's excursion began at Kerin and Nick's place with half a hot dog and a glass of wine. Apparently, dropping my keys on the dining room table had been part of the pre-concert festivities.

At this point, dude was long-gone on his bicycle and I was rapidly heading towards a very locked apartment in Uptown. I told the driver to change his route to South Minneapolis. I figured I'd just knock on the door and their dog Toby would yap away like there's no tomorrow (though at this point it was tomorrow). Nick and/or Kerin would wake up, let me in, and I'd be on my way.

Except that when Nick and Kerin go to sleep, they go into this weird night coma where 45 minutes of a barking dog, pounding door, and crying girl have absolutely no effect.

Apparently a dog bone repeatedly thrown at a window doesn't do much either. I had changed my tactic to chucking landscape rocks when Kerin finally peeked through the blinds and subsequently emerged at the back door.

I don't know if it's fate telling me I should have gone home with that guy or what; at least I would have had known that I had a place to stay for the night that wasn't someone's lawn. If anything, this has been a huge wake up call for my head to take a breather and let my heart make an appearance every now and then. It's petrifying and at the end of it all I didn't even end up with a number exchange or a kiss. I managed to squeak out that I'd like to see him again, but that doesn't really do much when you have no way of getting a hold of each other.

So bad at dating...

I need to break up with the depressed version of myself and hook up with stressed-out-me. Sure it's a rollercoaster relationship, but God. I've been sad because I'm bored and I've been bored because I'm sad. Step one to getting out of this is emailing my landlord to tell him I need to be out of my place by the end of August.

Bad Day

I had a bad day today, Blog. Only now am I starting to feel better. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was the Benedryl I took to lull my conscious to sleep last night amidst the heat and humidity that has settled into the hot pavement of the city. Maybe it is because everyone around me is turning monumental corners in both the career and family arenas while I continue to sit in this room plugging along at the same daily responsibilities that seem to have accompanied me since I moved here six years ago. Maybe it's because I'm realizing I'm just like my father in the sense that I can't finish what I start.

I don't finish what I start.

I'm totally capable of finishing what I start, but I don't because of this huge thing called fear. It revolves a lot around money, but also around my image and my comfort level around other people; friends and strangers alike. I want to take risks in both areas but I fear the regret that may happen after dropping a couple hundred dollars on a piece of furniture or by the simple notion of what others think. I have to somehow get past this, but I don't necessarily know how. I haven't achieved a goal in a long time. I think this has to do with the depression I've been feeling lately. That and the slight resurfacing of old love interests during a very lacking and disorienting dating dryspell have me sitting in this room that I've called home for going on two years contemplating what my next move is going to be.

Now I see why running away from this city has been so enticing to me lately. When I'm left to my own devices I end up having to face the fact that I haven't challenged myself in recent years with the things that pique my interests. It's an uncomfortable feeling and doing something like dropping $130 on a plane ticket to Chicago so I can look forward to hanging out with this guy is much more appealing than putting that money towards something like a laptop that doesn't take 8 minutes to link to a previous entry about your college boyfriend.

I feel like I'm doing life wrong.

So because of that, I'm going to open myself up to the potential opportunity to move in with an old college friend and theater confidant. If things work out in my favor, I'll be saving a couple hundred dollars a month and will no longer be coming home to an empty room that is cluttered with laundry and shoes. Instead I'll have two roommates who do the cluttering for me and I'll have someone to say goodnight to.

And maybe it's a juvenile move at my age, but I've proven to myself that I can live alone just fine. Now it's time to suck it up and save some money while I figure out what to do with my life besides be an academic advisor. I know I was meant to create, I just don't know how. Wine is involved though. I've got that much figured out. I should probably figure out how to make a living doing theater too. I'm so pissed right now that I was "blessed" with the desire and need to pursue a career in the arts. So not fair.

I'm still planning on dropping $130 on a plane ticket to Chicago over the Labor Day weekend. I love Chicago. It's a place I haven't been to in years and I would love to go back and visit with someone who knows their way around. And not only is that someone knowledgeable in the directions of the Chicago streets that will surround us, he is also one of the few people in this world around whom I feel completely comfortable and open. I was reminded of that over the 4th of July holiday. It was like discovering a new friend in one that I have known for almost 10 years.

It was still a bad day. But writing and wine can make any day's heartbreaks fade away.

No Excuses. Just a List.

I've been on a hiatus, Blog. I'm not going to make excuses. I'm not going to feel guilty. Instead I'm going to take the easy way out and make a list of thoughts. I guess you could call them updates. For your reading pleasure, let's put on this new favorite of mine:

Ok. Let's begin.

1. I have a tan. This hasn't happened in years. Last summer I made my way up to my grandma's for the Fourth of July and was reminded that having family that live on a lake can make for a pretty kickass summer holiday. This year, I managed to take more time off than I meant to, but as a result I spent nearly every day in a lake of some sort; toasting my skin to a pleasant golden brown that hasn't gone unnoticed. Even my legs are a shade darker than they have been in the past. Skirts are not a means of reflecting light anymore. I feel like a new woman.

2. I not only spent days (that's right days) with my extended family, but I also somehow fanagled a way to spend a few days (yes, days!) with my dear college friends Andy and Will. You may remember Will from my post about how I ran into him in April and was reminded about how he was my first love, and probably the most satisfying and healthy relationship I've had. I guess I haven't been blessed with a wonderful man to love and cherish me for the rest of my life, but at least I have a picture perfect first boyfriend and subsequent friend who has somehow defied all the ex-boyfriend stereotypes out there over the past 7 years. Add Andy to the mix and it was suddenly hours and hours filled with laughing turned to small talk turned to deep life conversations turned to silly games and scenarios leading to a myriad of inside jokes that only live between the three of us. I feel so special that they let me tag along with their boy time. I couldn't have enjoyed myself more.

3. This computer sucks. I know I didn't want to make excuses, but I'm going to categorize this as a reason for why I haven't written. This computer is slow. I type faster than it can process words. Do you know how frustrating it is to wait for a machine to catch up with the brilliance that spills from my fingertips, Blog? Of course you don't. You don't have hands. I was going to wait for another paycheck to go through before I buy a new one, but I might just bite the bullet and go in tomorrow. In to where, you ask? Good question. I've never bought a computer before, so I have no idea what I'm doing. But remember, there was a time when I had never bought an iPhone before either, and now I'm on my second one (unwillingly, but still) so I guess miracles do happen.

4. Kerin is leaving work. She is my best friend and confidant who I spend nearly every coffee and lunch break with. Now she's taking the leap to pursue a writing career. I'm excited and happy for her. I can't wait to see what she creates and experiences with this magnificent opportunity. It will be exciting to see her in this new light; one that is meant to shine on her. She's already noticibly happier and at ease even though she still has a week left of answering phones and making irritible people slightly less irritible. I know no one reads you, Blog, but if they did, and if they needed a writer for whatever things writers are needed, I would suggest that they hit me up for her contact information. I would also suggest that they hit me up just so I would know that someone actually reads this thing.

5. Over the last few days I've realized I am in the midst of the longest dating/hanky panky/boy attention dry spell of my adult life. I don't know what to do about it because the length of time that has passed since I last was "intimate" with someone has been so much so, that I've forgotten what it's like and am therefore slightly freaked out by the thought of a guy even being interested in me. It's like I'm 18 all over again. But even hanging out with my first boyfriend over the holiday weekend didn't really give me any insight into how to approach this... situation. I want to date boys. I want to be intimate with them. But at the same time I'm overwhelmed and grossed out. When did I become such a 4th grade girl about this? What do I do to regain the dating confidence I once yielded with the ferocity of 10,000 episodes of Sex in the City? My friend Trisha told me to rate boys on OkCupid to let them know I was interested in them. So I did. I have yet to hear a response. Confidence meter = Low. Very low. And thus another sip of wine is down the gullet.

6. Regardless of my current asexual state, I've found some solace in the fact that I'm going to be stage managing a Fringe show this year. I haven't stage managed since I learned how to do so in college, but I remember liking it even though it was stressful. This is a low key show though, so I figure it's a good opportunity to explore the position and see if there are other opportunities out there for me. Andy wants me to stage manage his production of Bash in September too. And while I want to continue auditioning for shows, it's nice to know I have something lined up over the next couple months that will be getting me back into the theater mode. I think once rehearsals are underway for both shows, I'll even consider myself happy with what I'm doing with my life. That'll be nice.

7. Chet Faker. New fave find on Triple J. Check it.

8. I was going to write something here, but since it took a good 8 minutes to hyperlink to Chet Faker's fun rendition of an old 90's favorite above, I lost my train of thought in frustration and dried out contacts. New computer. Tomorrow.

Good night, Blog. I hope you didn't miss me too much. Now that I've got this list under my belt, the rest of the summer should be smooth sailing for writing to you. So long and farewell until tomorrow or over the weekend or whatever. I've got tons to write about. I'll get it all out to you sooner or later. Hopefully.